Peak capitalism is a $45 hairy thong
We should’ve known when we saw the silhouette… or maybe a hint… of something… “feminine” at the Maison Margiela Spring 2024 show that this may be a trend. I won’t lie: I was more focused on Pat McGrath’s porcelain doll shine makeup, so pubic hair was not really on my list of interests. I appreciate the craft of John Galliano, but it didn’t really cause a stir for me. I lived through the American Apparel/Terry Richardson years.And why should it be controversial? Pubes and nipples are something that literally all humans can relate to. So imagine my surprise when I see Kimberly Noel shilling for a faux hair micro string mesh thong. Yup. A nude thong with fake hair.
If the Kardashians are throwing it in my face to make a quick $32 ($39 with shipping, so let’s round that up to an easy $45 with tax), my skepticism and distrust are at an immediate all-time high. Galliano used his artistic eye, inspired by Hungarian-French photographer Brassaï, to hand-sew human hair on silk and replicate that on the Paris couture runway—Kimberly cheapens the idea to a bit of mesh and synthetic hair glued on the front of some unsold mesh overstock. The cutesy 70s Dating Game marketing campaign isn’t really hitting me either.
Do I need my own curly hair-covered string? No. I can literally grow my own. And if I couldn’t, I have a closet full of wigs, scissors and a hot glue gun to take care of the rest. So why is it currently sold out in every color combo? Is it the power of advertising or is something more insidious going on?
Normally, pubic hair has been tied to revolutions. Bucking the trend. Men don’t “like” it because it’s not the baby-smooth body they’ve been promised from 2000s pornography. Very few women shave for themselves, or at least start out that way. No one gets ingrown hairs from not shaving. A quick history lesson: The Egyptians thought it was uncivilized, and Queen Cleopatra used sugaring get rid of all those pesky no-no hairs and join the orgies in style. But by the time we make it to the Europeans of the Middle Ages, they’re letting it all hang out. In fact, the first merkin was created in 1450, so they were dedicated in their belief in the bush. Early 1900s, we start shaving but only the legs. You can thank Linda Belcher for that, maybe.
When the bikini hit beaches in 1940, all bets were off. You needed to make sure the mens didn’t see any unsightly hairs down there. We get to the 60s and it’s a sexual revolution. So many orgies, it just makes sense to save time not shaving. As we moved into the 80s and 90s, shaving, low-rise jeans and anorexia all went hand-in-hand… in pants. The Brazilian wax, Larry Flynt and Hugh Hefner were defining factors in how women shaped their pubic hair or lack thereof—shockingly, no women involved in the decision. And then by the early 2000s, women just wanted it gone. We had never been more obsessed with the genital region and buttholes—to the point of lasering it all off (I don’t even wanna get into vajazzling). So as the world descends into chaos, it makes total sense that pubic hair is back on the menu.
But back to Kim. Why make this product? It seems pointless, like that facelift face wrap she had a few months ago. How do you wear this? Completely sheer dress? Super low-rise jeans with just a bit peeking out? How awkward would that conversation be on your escort out of Chili’s? It’s not for public consumption, so the bedroom? I feel like your partner would feel misled instantly by your faux lady bush. Who wants to deal with that kind of betrayal and corresponding therapy session? Maybe Kim’s just trying to get ahead of the emerging sentiment that Gen Z doesn’t care about their bush. She thinks about the children! Could it be a clever SEO trick (Thanks, Taylor Swift!) so her kids can’t search any of the nude photoshoots since her Ray J introduction?
As public opinion on human sexuality changes, so do the parts and their visual identity. I don’t think anyone sees Kimberly as a revolutionary. I’m not even 100% sure she’s a Republican. Worse, she’s simply a capitalist. But we all know where her loyalties lies. Her baby lawyer stint to photo op with Trump, besties with Ivanka, that weird party with the Tesla robots—we know what this is about. But if Kamala and Hilary made her a dollar more, she’d sell out her soul for that too. In the age of rage bait, as more people are becoming open about their pubic preferences, Kimberly can’t help but see this as another opportunity to cash in.
Her appearance on Call Her Daddy is the beginning of the rebrand. King Kylie reheating her own nachos of ‘cool kid nepo baby stuntin’ on the streets of LA’ as a 28-year-old baby mama to her own children and Timotheeeeee. Though the release was anticlimatic, the Nike Skims collab is kinda working, even without even an Instagram page. Kourtney is tonguing down Travis (no no, the other one) and Khloe is… also a baby mama to her notorious cheating man somewhere. The show is boring, the shilling is exhausting. Are we really buying what they’re selling this time around? They’ve spent so long convincing us that they’re otherworldly because they’re “exotic”—now they’re working extra hard to remind us that they’re actually white and have been so the whole time. With mansions full of mixed babies and decades of appropriation behind them, I beg to differ.
The Kardashians need more money and don’t care how they get it. Many of their recent endeavors have revealed little fanfare, showing the brand ain’t as strong as it used to be. We keep hearing “sold out,” but have yet to see much of their merch in the wild. This wouldn’t be the first time we’ve heard of a Kardashian inflating numbers aka lying to make themselves seem more profitable.
Can we blame current political climate? Absolutely. A family known for flaunting their unbelievable wealth and few skills, no one has the time for it anymore. We’ve got a racist talking orange taking his hand at fascism. We’ve seen the price of eggs bounce from anywhere between $2.99 to $13. That mysterious UPS bill for last year’s shipping tariffs keeps haunting me.
This could all be just me rambling. Nothing I’m saying is really news but I’m sure most of my friends are tired of listening to me ramble in 19 minute voice notes. But I think the sentiment remains true for everyone, except to those who sold out this product: Ain’t nobody got time nor $45 for this.
Some other things that’ve bothered me
Wendy and Eddie being the dumbest criminals alive allegedly.And her tagline being about Eddie’s business… which he won’t have anymore.One more Housewives plug: I still wanna talk about Jen Shah.This dress and it’s existence.Meg is always ‘lil sis’ to me so y’all need to leave that wig alone.This diva being released. I await the first sit-down interview.I made this for Thanksgiving one year and it actually wasn’t bad. Might f*ck around and do it again.